Yearly Archives: 2013

Dragonfly Magic: A Gift in the Grieving Process

 

A large metallic blue-green dragonfly buzzed back and forth again and again. I followed it with my eyes, like watching a tennis match. It was unusual, so I took it as a good sign. Everything was going to be okay.

It had been a beautiful Sunday in mid-August and I was sitting in the faded green Adirondack chair in our backyard, in Santa Cruz, CA my head tilted back, soaking up the sun. Relieved to relax for a few minutes, I took several deep breaths. Rennie, my ailing Shepard-mix dog, lay panting heavily next to me. I had helped her outside to go to the bathroom. I stroked the soft fur on her back gently as my fingers glided over her protruding spine. I was attuned to her every breath and movement.

Earlier that morning, John had said to me, “It’s time.” We had asked for a sign, something to tell us Rennie was ready to die, something to make our unbearable decision easier. Rennie’s health had declined rapidly in recent weeks. First, she was hospitalized with acute pancreatitis. She bounced back, but then became lethargic. A trip to the vet revealed she had an auto-immune condition which affected her jaws […]

By |October 30th, 2013|Grief and Loss, Transformation|

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The Courage to Let Go

“Enough is enough. It’s time to let go,” my body told to me.

A month earlier, I had woken up with the flu. I was nauseous, tired, and had a fever. I was also in the midst of yet another early miscarriage with terrible cramps. Trying to have a baby was taking a huge toll on me. It was becoming clear to me I needed to stop.

I had held onto hope for so long. Even though I was getting older and my window of fertility was closing, I had a dream several years ago that I would have a baby when I was forty-five. On both my mom’s side and my father’s side of the family, there were women who had babies well into their forties. Also, I frequently felt the baby’s spiritual presence with me, and assumed that it would come into life form and be a part of our family. It’s what my heart wanted.

Now at the age of forty-six, the thought of surrendering my dream scared me. What would happen if I stopped trying? I would surely never have a baby. Will I regret not trying harder? Who would take care of me in my aging years […]

Loss: Fertile Ground for Transformation and Awakening

Two days after New Years, I had an appointment with my massage therapist, Gypsy. Walking into his studio was like emerging into a safe cozy cocoon; candles were lit, the lights were turned down, and there was a warm glow emanating from the gas fireplace. In this quiet space, I began to relax.

“What are we working on today?” Gypsy asked.

“My heart…it needs healing,” I responded.

On New Years day, I had found myself feeling depressed. Usually this holiday is my favorite, because I love celebrating my accomplishments from the previous year, and I look forward to all of the possibilities for the upcoming year. But instead, I felt sad and angry. I had invested a lot of time, energy and money into growing my business, and here I was, in the same financial place with my income, but now also further in debt. Weighing even more heavily on my heart was my recent experience of what appeared to be yet another early miscarriage. I had had all of the usual symptoms of pregnancy for two weeks such as nausea, headaches, extreme hunger and fatigue, but they were more intensified than normal. I had allowed myself to get excited. This must […]

Creative Expression – My New Year’s Theme

Every year on New Year’s, John and I have a tradition of sitting down to review our personal and professional accomplishments from the previous year, and set our intentions for the year to come. We include our financial goals, as well as, our ideas for exploring Santa Cruz and having fun. I love this process and the opportunity to start anew. Typically, New Year’s is my favorite holiday.

This year was different. I woke up yesterday feeling tired and depressed. When we sat down to review our accomplishments, I had difficulty remembering what I did “right”. Instead, all I could think about was the financial mess I had created by investing in my business and going into debt. How was I going to pay rent? Buy groceries? I felt angry with myself for not meeting my goals and intentions from the previous year around growing my business. After all, I had attended seven business training conferences and now had all of the tools. But, nothing had changed. I was in the same place as I was last year…stuck and frustrated.

Instead of creating specific or lofty intentions like having my next book published by the end of the year. (This was […]