Two days after New Years, I had an appointment with my massage therapist, Gypsy. Walking into his studio was like emerging into a safe cozy cocoon; candles were lit, the lights were turned down, and there was a warm glow emanating from the gas fireplace. In this quiet space, I began to relax.

“What are we working on today?” Gypsy asked.

“My heart…it needs healing,” I responded.

On New Years day, I had found myself feeling depressed. Usually this holiday is my favorite, because I love celebrating my accomplishments from the previous year, and I look forward to all of the possibilities for the upcoming year. But instead, I felt sad and angry. I had invested a lot of time, energy and money into growing my business, and here I was, in the same financial place with my income, but now also further in debt. Weighing even more heavily on my heart was my recent experience of what appeared to be yet another early miscarriage. I had had all of the usual symptoms of pregnancy for two weeks such as nausea, headaches, extreme hunger and fatigue, but they were more intensified than normal. I had allowed myself to get excited. This must finally be it! Too early to take the pregnancy test, I got my period on Christmas Eve.

Gypsy looked compassionately into my eyes. Grief welled up from my chest, but stopped short of turning into tears. As I lay down on the massage table and he began to work on me, I felt resistance. I kept trying to yawn, but couldn’t yawn deep enough to relax and release all of the pent up energy and emotion inside of me. Then he placed his hand on my heart and the floodgates opened. I sobbed uncontrollably. There was no content to my grief. It felt ancient and all-encompassing, as if I was grieving all of my losses.

As I released my pain, I also began to tremble. It was like my body was being charged with light and energy. This energy created a feeling of ecstasy. Crying and laughing at the same time, I knew that something profound was happening. The more I surrendered and opened, the more energy moved through me. Gypsy seemed to know exactly where and how to touch me to facilitate this process. Forty five minutes later, the crying and trembling stopped as my body settled down and relaxed.

Although I had previously experienced states of awakening during meditation or while working with other healers, they paled in comparison to what was happening inside of me. Now, it was as if all of my previous experiences were mere glimpses, like looking out at sunlight through the window of a house. In contrast, this experience was like the house had completely disappeared and I was immersed in the light. With no structure to bind me, my Soul was free and I was in total bliss.

From this heightened state of awareness, I saw the bigger picture for my infertility journey. In attempting to birth a baby, I had instead birthed a higher, lighter version of myself. The heart-breaking cycle of grief and loss over the past ten years had created fertile ground for my own transformation and awakening.

“Life is a labor pain; we are here to give birth to ourself.” – Bernie Siegel